Ode to the Forgotten Power of Gentleness
No pain no gain. Just do it. Work hard, play hard. Be tough. Play to win. Keep your fighting edge.
One needn’t look too hard to see our modern western opinion of gentleness. As a culture we tend to equate power with brute force. From infancy we are urged to be tough, push ahead, work through the pain… and whatever you do, don’t get “soft”! But what if gentleness is itself a kind of strength? A necessary balance for the other, more aggressive kind? For thousands of years, traditional cultures have held exactly this perspective.
The ancient system of yoga, for example, reveres ahimsa (nonviolence, or more accurately, complete lack of intention to harm) as both the pinnacle and the foundation of all yoga practices. Both a necessary first discipline and an arrival point of successful practice. Similarly, the Buddhists aim toward compassion. If you have ever struggled to hold your temper in a tough situation, or treat yourself with compassion instead of cruelty when you make a mistake, you know first hand how much discipline and self-awareness is required to be gentle and kind in those moments. Too, in the application of Yoga Therapy it is well known that shorter, gentler practices done more frequently yield the best long-term healing outcomes, while aggressive practices done sporadically are typically the most injurious. The most powerful of all the yoga techniques are considered to be the subtle “inner practices” working with breath, mantra and mind.
Among the martial arts there are certain forms, known sometimes as “yielding” forms, that are revered as the most powerful. Often they use various ways of softening away from oncoming attacks and reflecting aggressive energy back on to the opponent while directing inner energies. They ingeniously rely on flexibility and skill, expending much less energy than the more aggressive styles. In many eastern cultures the masters of these forms are considered the highest of the martial artists.
Looking to the top three traditional herb-based health systems -- Ayurveda from India, Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), and Western Herbalism from Europe -- we see across the board the primacy of a category of herbs known by various names such as “tonics” or “restoratives”. A few examples are Ashwagandha, Turmeric, Schizandra, Astragalus, Rhodiola. These gentle herbs, when taken daily over a lifetime, confer tremendous health benefits for stamina, immunity, vitality, and vigor. Consistent use of gentle giants like these helps nourish and protect us, minimizing health crises requiring “emergency” solutions. They give us gentle, steady, protective strength and nourish our reservoir of deep inner resource.
When it comes to our own day to day actions, engaging life with gentleness is in fact an entirely different process -- with different results -- than engaging with aggression. When we “attack” a situation with brute force, there is a rigidity that arises in our attitude. In that moment we are certain that we are right. That we need to control things. The success of that approach is in fact completely dependent on certainty and control. This puts us in the position of relating to ourselves and others like a controlling boss or dictator would, with a unilateral flow of communication -- giving orders and not receiving feedback. Our capacity to be humble, to learn, and to change our mind/approach in response to changing circumstances is thus limited. Operating in this mode over time can be quite draining as well, since all the energy of direction and control comes from ourselves.
When we adopt a gentle approach however, the first step is that of turning inward. We soften in to ourselves and tune in to our actual felt experience more deeply. Instead of certainty and control, we lead with curiosity and receptivity. We listen deeply, with highly attuned responsiveness, to ourselves and others. Communication is bilateral, and our attitude is cooperative, like we are all team members seeking mutually beneficial solutions. In this state we are flexible to change course based on new information, and it is natural to ask questions or apologize for mistakes. This mode of action tends to be less tiring since we are not attempting to “run the show” solo by exerting force and imposing rigid structure.
Though relating to others with aggression can be very damaging, the real suffering comes in relating to ourselves that way. In over two decades of teaching yoga, yoga therapy, teacher trainings and now Vedic chant I have seen time and time again the damage caused by overly aggressive approaches to self. On a personal note, as someone who has suffered tremendously in the past through insidious self-aggression, I know how devastating this can be.
From “no pain no gain” asana practices, to punishing diets and fitness regimes, to all-or-nothing ultimatum-based relationships, to perfectionism, austerities, over working, over scheduled and over stimulated madness, I see so many driving themselves at breakneck speed through life with grimly determined, iron-clad willpower holding the whip. This aggressive approach sets up an oppositional dynamic instead of a cooperative one. It is sheer will vs. body, heart/mind and spirit. Tension arises in the system as the battle ensues -- tension that lodges deep in the nervous system.
And what is the result? As a culture we are exhausted, angry, overweight, in pain, scatterbrained, sick, stressed, dysfunctional in our relationships, and fearful. Most of us neither love nor trust ourselves or our world any longer. Anxiety and depression have reached epidemic proportions and there is a palpable crisis of faith and hope in our culture. Clearly, our bodies, minds, endocrine and nervous systems are being pushed beyond their biological limits and there is no doubt that people are suffering mentally and spiritually because of it.
The good news is that we have the capacity to heal. Of course this is a complex situation and it would be glib of me to offer a magic pill solution. As a strong start, however, I recommend taking stock of both types of power -- gentle and aggressive, controlling and cooperative -- and how you are utilizing them in your life internally and externally. What is the balance? How much of the time are you driving forward aggressively, and how much of the time are you tuning in to yourself and your resources before choosing a course of action? How do you feel? Are you rested and nourished, with inspiration bubbling up naturally? Do you feel calm and content most of the time? Or are you tired, stressed and hurried most days? Is your will always in the driver’s seat, or is it a harmonious team player with the rest of you (body, heart/mind, spirit)? Have you crafted your life and self-image around being a driver and a pusher? How about your role in core relationships?
Based on your discoveries with these inquiries, I encourage you to explore and experiment with making any shifts needed to restore balance. And please, if you’ve been pushing too hard or are going through a difficult life event and you feel frazzled, back off and try a slower, gentler approach for a while. Tune in to your inner world and ask what it needs. See if that helps. This human system of ours is so resilient -- often it will right itself if we just give it a chance! Please share any “aha!” moments in the comments… it can really help to inspire others!
With that, I wish you the best of luck in your journey toward peace, balance, and gentleness. If you are ever in need of support or guidance with this, please reach out. I would be happy to help. And if you want a deep dive in to the topic of cultivating gentleness, relaxation, and nervous system balance, I have a wonderful retreat coming up in March 2019 in Hawaii that is all about just that! Contact me or visit https://www.rivercummings.com/retreats/ for more.
Be well.
~river